This was a poem originally written by Takanori Matsumoto himself a.k.a. Ruki. I cried when i first read this and hopefully, it will touch you too. I never knew that Ruki had such past though, until i read this. I felt sorry for him in a way.
poem by ruki I miss you daddy….
I know you don’t understand this….
We see each other all the time….
So how can I miss you….
I miss how you use to be when I was little….
The way you picked me up on your shoulders….
I miss the way we talked….
I miss the father I once had….
Many things changed when I went into high school….
You being one of them ….
We still did the things we always did….
But it seems I could never make you happy….
Was it because I dreamed of music?….
And you dreamed for me to be something more….
You said you wanted me happy….
You wanted to give me the world….
I remember those words you told me when I was younger….
“Do whatever makes you happy and let no one get in the way”….
I did, but you were the thing in my way….
I also remember the words you said ten years later….
“I rather have no son than a son like you”….
When you said that to me….
I felt like a thousand knives stabbed at my heart and soul….
Then I decided to let my heart become cold and be a stone….
I decided to throw my body, heart, and soul into the world….
To see if I can catch a dream….
I caught it daddy….
Now we are together again….
But it still doesn’t make me happy to see you….
Daddy you hurt me….
You told me to leave….
You said, “I once had a son”….
The days I had to bear with you in my adolescence….
It seemed to go on forever….
Like a vicious cycle that kept repeating….
The things you said the things you did….
Like the time you slammed my face into the concrete ground….
Do you remember the blood that stained it?….
I’m sure you don’t….
It seems as though you’ve erased your memory….
As if they never happen….
Like we live in this perfect family….
But daddy it’s not like that….
Whenever I see your face it gives me hell….
I can’t stand it….
I try to make you happy but it seems nothing ever happens….
When I see you looking at me I feel like crying….
When I look at your face it puts a dull ache in my heart ….
It seems like you held my world in your palms….
And you could crush me any time you would like….
There are countless times that I wanted to scream at you….
How could you do this?….
I’m your son ….
Why?….
Those were the things that often ran through my head….
I could deal with the physical pain….
But the pain in my heart seems to grow….
It was destroying me….
Slowly eating me alive….
Your words hurt more than anything….
I’ve thought about leaving this world….
As you should know….
You found me that night I tried to leave….
Do you remember the blood that flowed on our tile floors?….
I do, I always remember….
Do you know what I thought when I woke up in the hospital?….
Of course you don’t, I never told anyone….
I thought ….
“Why did you save me?”….
I thought….
“I still have to bear with the heart ache of not being the son you wanted”….
Do you remember what I said when I left….
“Daddy I love you. I’m sorry I’m not the son you wanted”….
Do you remember that?….
I’m sure you don’t….
You seem to forget the pain you made me feel….
But I still miss the way you use to tuck me in at night….
Guess what daddy?….
I can still say it….
“I love you”….
Daddy do these words pull a pain in your chest?….
I bet they don’t….
But I hope it stings enough to make you remember ….”
Matsumoto Takanori
I know you don’t understand this….
We see each other all the time….
So how can I miss you….
I miss how you use to be when I was little….
The way you picked me up on your shoulders….
I miss the way we talked….
I miss the father I once had….
Many things changed when I went into high school….
You being one of them ….
We still did the things we always did….
But it seems I could never make you happy….
Was it because I dreamed of music?….
And you dreamed for me to be something more….
You said you wanted me happy….
You wanted to give me the world….
I remember those words you told me when I was younger….
“Do whatever makes you happy and let no one get in the way”….
I did, but you were the thing in my way….
I also remember the words you said ten years later….
“I rather have no son than a son like you”….
When you said that to me….
I felt like a thousand knives stabbed at my heart and soul….
Then I decided to let my heart become cold and be a stone….
I decided to throw my body, heart, and soul into the world….
To see if I can catch a dream….
I caught it daddy….
Now we are together again….
But it still doesn’t make me happy to see you….
Daddy you hurt me….
You told me to leave….
You said, “I once had a son”….
The days I had to bear with you in my adolescence….
It seemed to go on forever….
Like a vicious cycle that kept repeating….
The things you said the things you did….
Like the time you slammed my face into the concrete ground….
Do you remember the blood that stained it?….
I’m sure you don’t….
It seems as though you’ve erased your memory….
As if they never happen….
Like we live in this perfect family….
But daddy it’s not like that….
Whenever I see your face it gives me hell….
I can’t stand it….
I try to make you happy but it seems nothing ever happens….
When I see you looking at me I feel like crying….
When I look at your face it puts a dull ache in my heart ….
It seems like you held my world in your palms….
And you could crush me any time you would like….
There are countless times that I wanted to scream at you….
How could you do this?….
I’m your son ….
Why?….
Those were the things that often ran through my head….
I could deal with the physical pain….
But the pain in my heart seems to grow….
It was destroying me….
Slowly eating me alive….
Your words hurt more than anything….
I’ve thought about leaving this world….
As you should know….
You found me that night I tried to leave….
Do you remember the blood that flowed on our tile floors?….
I do, I always remember….
Do you know what I thought when I woke up in the hospital?….
Of course you don’t, I never told anyone….
I thought ….
“Why did you save me?”….
I thought….
“I still have to bear with the heart ache of not being the son you wanted”….
Do you remember what I said when I left….
“Daddy I love you. I’m sorry I’m not the son you wanted”….
Do you remember that?….
I’m sure you don’t….
You seem to forget the pain you made me feel….
But I still miss the way you use to tuck me in at night….
Guess what daddy?….
I can still say it….
“I love you”….
Daddy do these words pull a pain in your chest?….
I bet they don’t….
But I hope it stings enough to make you remember ….”
Matsumoto Takanori